Nicole, loved your JETER SUCKS A-ROD shirt!  I laughed so hard when I saw it.  Now my question, why the hell do girls play hard to get?

Kevin Klaus, Boston

Via Myspace

Hi Kevin, ok first I’d like to comment on my JETER SUCKS A-ROD shirt, that by the way, I had specially made. J Jeter…does not suck.  He is a great baseball player, but, he has turned himself into the athlete equivalent of the evil black knight at Medieval Times and therefore you must boo him.  Do him and A-Rod have gay man sex in the Yankee dressing room?  I can only dream, but again, he’s a great ball player, I’ve got mad respect for people who are great at what they do, and with sports unlike entertainment, I think heckling is part of the game.

Now, what boils my blood other than liquid magma?  When girls play stupid games, then call guys assholes when they don’t play by their rules.

For example, my friend was telling me that she’s playing hard to get with this guy she likes and I must call non-sense on that.  Where did women learn this hard to get crap?  Not when we were kids that’s for sure.

When we were kids, If we wanted a cookie, we ate a friggin cookie!  We didn’t eye it, kinda dance slutty in a lesbo fashion with our friends in front of it for a while, nibble on other cookies to make it jealous, and when we finally went to eat it be like.,  “I’m sure you’re a really nice Fudgee-O, but I’m not sure I’m over this thing I had with a doughnut who treated me like shit not too long ago.”

Hard to get is stupid.  The guys know you are playing it, and incase you didn’t know… while you’re making him chase you, he’s doing a bunch of girls who aren’t playing anything but the skin flute.

Wow, some how I managed to bring it back to sucking.

Go Jays Go!

Thanks for writing Kevin,

Keep Laughin’

Nicole xoxo

Hey Nicole quick question: Who’s your favorite on American Idol this season?  Loves ya

Tammy McVein, Buffalo NY

Well hello there Tammy from the land of the Bills! Oh, and the Sabres, but who really cares about the Sabres?  Like really.  The Galleria Mall has higher attendance on a Monday afternoon than they do on game day.

Anyhoo…

Thanks for writing pretty lady and to answer your question I’ve never really been a fan of glorified karaoke shows but  since you asked…

My favourite on American Idol is hands down Paula Abdul.

And to continue on this discovery ride in Nicoleland, please, everyone, riddle me this:

When did Paula Abdul transform into a severely handicapped person, and why is she still on television?  Seriously, what happened?  I remembered her from gooders like Opposites Attract and Spellbound all singy singy dancy dancy., and heard she was a judge on Idol.  Like I said, I don’t watch the show, did for the first time the other night and holy shit!

(whisper) Was there an accident?

I jest, only because she is so obviously on drugs, and stark raving drunk, which completely pisses me off.

Barry Bonds got slack for doing drugs on the job, got tested, and is getting the equivalent of his pageant crown taken away.  How is that fair?

Do Paula!  Take away her judging!  She can’t be properly critiquing these idol hopefuls when she can barely speak.  And if I want integrity and professionalism in anything, it’s my reality TV God damn it!

Really, I feel bad making fun of a self inflicted handicapped woman but I find double standards and catch 22’s absolutely maddening.

Idol does charity projects like “Idol Cares” and programs where the cast go visit schools and they actually bring her!  As what? Has Paula Abdul turned into the new tossing an egg into a frying pan and saying “Kids, THIS is your brain on drugs?”  Well hey, if that’s the case, and toting around the obviously pickled from vodka carcass will make one kid NOT want to end up like Paula Abdul being verbally raped on live TV by Simon Cowell weekly, then I guess I found the light at the end of the codeine and valium encrusted tunnel.

Thanks for the message Tammy,

Keep Laughin’

Nicole

Hi Nicole I’m only 17 and wuz hopin’ u could give me some advise on anything really….. how bout life?

Ur really funni n hot.

Tyrell Marshall

Hey Tyrell, thanks for the message, first “word” of advice is “grammar”… that is it.  I’m kidding, here’s a list if you will, of “Stuff Things Have Taught Me”.  Hope the lessons people have shared with me over the years help you get learned.

RACISM- Taught me never to look a black man in the eye or I’ll get pregnant.

ECOLI- Taught me that even though you can die from it, you look really skinny after, and that is awesome.  Seriously, I’ve had Ecoli twice, and after fluid from all parts of my body ceased to excrete, I totally looked photo shoot ready.

INDIANS, and I don’t mean the Cleveland baseball team, although I really like the tomahawk chop, oh wait that’s the Brave’s, oh well close enough.  Anyways, they taught me that if you freeze mouthwash, the alcohol separates and you can drink it.  ADD INDIANS TEACHING SCIENCE, WHO’DA THUNK IT?

MEANESS AT A GRADE FOUR LEVEL, plus LOGIC, plus FAT PEOPLE- Taught me it’s ok to taunt them for their “glandular problem” because you can run away, and they’ll never catch you.  It’s like when Frankenstein chases people… he goes slow ALL the time!  Ha ha Frankenstein! I totally never noticed that he’s a Jewish monster before today!

Speaking of, JEWS taught me not to make Jew jokes because they run my industry, oh and they’ll kill your savior if you piss them off.

(Just kidding, love you Jews, mozoltov!)

((I think they bought it!))

BULL DYKES- Taught me that buzz cuts AREN’T just for the army.  I’m scared of dykes.  I am.  Not lesbians, I’m ok with those, it’s the dykes that scare me.  They look at me like they are raping me with their eyes… and getting raped by a dyke is my #1 fear in life.

EXPIRED MILK- Taught me, don’t drink it even if you’re stoned, er I mean drunk, because you’ll puke a lot.  Well didn’t I just get excited and mess up the tense I was typing in, yes I did!

Stay in school, don’t do drugs.

POLICE TAPE  has taught me to read it because if the side your on doesn’t say anything, that means you were just involved in a crime.  Ah!

And finally…

JESUS taught me that sandals ARE cool all year round.  Yup…that’s all I really got from him.

Thanks for writing Tyrell!

Keep laughin,

Nicole xo

So I was lucky enough to start my day today with the morning show team at Playboy Radio here in LA.

I always have a blast doing interviews all over the world but there’s just something extra fun about being on a show where they randomly play “Guess the Tattoo” with me, and the chat topics range from sports, to a guy who enjoys wearing panties, to have you ever messed around with a girl within a few sentences.  And, of course it’s always good times when the hosts are funny, cute, and seem like people you’d totally be friends with.

So… onto my topic for today that sprung from a conversation we had on the show.

Would you rather be hot or funny Nicole?

My answer was… FUNNY.

They asked: “Really?  Try telling the little fat girl that it’s not important to be pretty in this world, and that you don’t and haven’t gotten a ton of opportunities because you’re hot.”

And here comes my thoughts, that I shared in part with them on the topic of: IS THE WORLD EASIER FOR PRETTY PEOPLE?

My answer: NO.

I firmly believe that everyone, yes everyone, has a completely equal lot in life, and life always finds a way of balancing itself out.

Yes… really.

And I’m sure someone is ready to throw something at me right now, but hold the phones oh hot headed ones at least until you let me explain… and what better way to explain anything than a CHART!  I love charts!

ok.

“PRETTY GIRLS”  VS “UNATTRACTIVE GIRLS”*

*I put those both in quotes because beauty is so subjective and always in the eye of the beholder.

Obviously I’m messing around with this, but I think ya’ll can get my point.

There’s two sides to every coin and at the end of the day, people are people and we’re all just trying to make our way through this crazy superficial world while learning lessons and having a good time.

Be nice, be cool, be fair, be funny.

Love ya all,

Nicole xoxo