My name is Kelsey and I think you’re like the funniest person ever!

My  biggest fear in the world is birds (traumatic duck feeding experiences), So my question is what is your biggest fear

Thanks

Kelsey U

via ASKNICOLE@Toromagazine.com

Ah yes, those duck birds.  A wiley bunch they are.  Well Kelsey, you were brave enough to share your fear with me, so here comes mine.

The Dark.

Yup.

Everything about it scares me.

Dark basements make me turn into a ten year old who thinks there’s some creepy ghost that only I can see living in the furnace Home Alone styles.

Dark Chocolate scares me because I started hearing that it’s good for me which makes me think there’s a big conspiracy with like Cadbury and the Health Board, because, come on… it’s chocolate!  The point is it’s NOT good for you, and THAT is what makes it a treat.  After telling us it’s bad for decades, what, other than a nice big bribe can make dark chocolate good for me all of a sudden? Hmm?

Dark Tanning Lotion terrifies me because I never want to look like this:

Dark nightclubs, scare me because the “coke demons” with their grinding jaws and delusions of grandeur can be hiding anywhere.  Lurking,  just waiting to pounce and ask me “hey, sniff sniff, do you party?”  and when I answer “only if you mean a la Barbie paper plates and little cone hats with a chin strap that was somehow constructed with thin elastic razorblades”… they look at me like “I” am the one with the problem.

SIDE TRACK TRIVIA:  Nicole when was the last time you REALLY wore a party hat?

ANSWER: Two weeks ago.

And finally I think I found our co-arch nemesis  Kelsey, and that would be Dark Wing Duck.   Disney character.  Related to Donald and his three nephews.  One part Dark, one part Duck, all parts terrifying.

I’m going to go sit on my bed with the lights on and a flashlight incase the power fails now.

Thanks for writing, and as always,

Keep Laughin’

Nicole xoxo

Kevin Klaus, Boston

Via Myspace

Hi Kevin, ok first I’d like to comment on my JETER SUCKS A-ROD shirt, that by the way, I had specially made. J Jeter…does not suck.  He is a great baseball player, but, he has turned himself into the athlete equivalent of the evil black knight at Medieval Times and therefore you must boo him.  Do him and A-Rod have gay man sex in the Yankee dressing room?  I can only dream, but again, he’s a great ball player, I’ve got mad respect for people who are great at what they do, and with sports unlike entertainment, I think heckling is part of the game.

Now, what boils my blood other than liquid magma?  When girls play stupid games, then call guys assholes when they don’t play by their rules.

For example, my friend was telling me that she’s playing hard to get with this guy she likes and I must call non-sense on that.  Where did women learn this hard to get crap?  Not when we were kids that’s for sure.

When we were kids, If we wanted a cookie, we ate a friggin cookie!  We didn’t eye it, kinda dance slutty in a lesbo fashion with our friends in front of it for a while, nibble on other cookies to make it jealous, and when we finally went to eat it be like.,  “I’m sure you’re a really nice Fudgee-O, but I’m not sure I’m over this thing I had with a doughnut who treated me like shit not too long ago.”

Hard to get is stupid.  The guys know you are playing it, and incase you didn’t know… while you’re making him chase you, he’s doing a bunch of girls who aren’t playing anything but the skin flute.

Wow, some how I managed to bring it back to sucking.

Go Jays Go!

Thanks for writing Kevin,

Keep Laughin’

Nicole xoxo

Tammy McVein, Buffalo NY

Well hello there Tammy from the land of the Bills! Oh, and the Sabres, but who really cares about the Sabres?  Like really.  The Galleria Mall has higher attendance on a Monday afternoon than they do on game day.

Anyhoo…

Thanks for writing pretty lady and to answer your question I’ve never really been a fan of glorified karaoke shows but  since you asked…

My favourite on American Idol is hands down Paula Abdul.

And to continue on this discovery ride in Nicoleland, please, everyone, riddle me this:

When did Paula Abdul transform into a severely handicapped person, and why is she still on television?  Seriously, what happened?  I remembered her from gooders like Opposites Attract and Spellbound all singy singy dancy dancy., and heard she was a judge on Idol.  Like I said, I don’t watch the show, did for the first time the other night and holy shit!

(whisper) Was there an accident?

I jest, only because she is so obviously on drugs, and stark raving drunk, which completely pisses me off.

Barry Bonds got slack for doing drugs on the job, got tested, and is getting the equivalent of his pageant crown taken away.  How is that fair?

Do Paula!  Take away her judging!  She can’t be properly critiquing these idol hopefuls when she can barely speak.  And if I want integrity and professionalism in anything, it’s my reality TV God damn it!

Really, I feel bad making fun of a self inflicted handicapped woman but I find double standards and catch 22’s absolutely maddening.

Idol does charity projects like “Idol Cares” and programs where the cast go visit schools and they actually bring her!  As what? Has Paula Abdul turned into the new tossing an egg into a frying pan and saying “Kids, THIS is your brain on drugs?”  Well hey, if that’s the case, and toting around the obviously pickled from vodka carcass will make one kid NOT want to end up like Paula Abdul being verbally raped on live TV by Simon Cowell weekly, then I guess I found the light at the end of the codeine and valium encrusted tunnel.

Thanks for the message Tammy,

Keep Laughin’

Nicole

Ur really funni n hot.

Tyrell Marshall

Hey Tyrell, thanks for the message, first “word” of advice is “grammar”… that is it.  I’m kidding, here’s a list if you will, of “Stuff Things Have Taught Me”.  Hope the lessons people have shared with me over the years help you get learned.

RACISM- Taught me never to look a black man in the eye or I’ll get pregnant.

ECOLI- Taught me that even though you can die from it, you look really skinny after, and that is awesome.  Seriously, I’ve had Ecoli twice, and after fluid from all parts of my body ceased to excrete, I totally looked photo shoot ready.

INDIANS, and I don’t mean the Cleveland baseball team, although I really like the tomahawk chop, oh wait that’s the Brave’s, oh well close enough.  Anyways, they taught me that if you freeze mouthwash, the alcohol separates and you can drink it.  ADD INDIANS TEACHING SCIENCE, WHO’DA THUNK IT?

MEANESS AT A GRADE FOUR LEVEL, plus LOGIC, plus FAT PEOPLE- Taught me it’s ok to taunt them for their “glandular problem” because you can run away, and they’ll never catch you.  It’s like when Frankenstein chases people… he goes slow ALL the time!  Ha ha Frankenstein! I totally never noticed that he’s a Jewish monster before today!

Speaking of, JEWS taught me not to make Jew jokes because they run my industry, oh and they’ll kill your savior if you piss them off.

(Just kidding, love you Jews, mozoltov!)

((I think they bought it!))

BULL DYKES- Taught me that buzz cuts AREN’T just for the army.  I’m scared of dykes.  I am.  Not lesbians, I’m ok with those, it’s the dykes that scare me.  They look at me like they are raping me with their eyes… and getting raped by a dyke is my #1 fear in life.

EXPIRED MILK- Taught me, don’t drink it even if you’re stoned, er I mean drunk, because you’ll puke a lot.  Well didn’t I just get excited and mess up the tense I was typing in, yes I did!

Stay in school, don’t do drugs.

POLICE TAPE  has taught me to read it because if the side your on doesn’t say anything, that means you were just involved in a crime.  Ah!

And finally…

JESUS taught me that sandals ARE cool all year round.  Yup…that’s all I really got from him.

Thanks for writing Tyrell!

Keep laughin,

Nicole xo